What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 12:47
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So, i spoilt her more .
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I could never make a relationship work though!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
Why is my ex mad I moved on when he dumped me?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We all went to grammer schools
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I never cut or harmed myself..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But, we were locked up after school.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
I was seconnd youngest,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So whats the point in blame.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Comes on , in middle age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Especially a lifetime of it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it wasn’t much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I have no regrets .
I think the readers, may guess!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She loved him until the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I said to her
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What did i know ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were not on the streets..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Would this be the day?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i lived it daily.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When she asked me how she looked .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!